When it has been a week in which your kitchen transformed into a crime scene by two bottles of blackstrap molasses recklessly dumped, oozing with all its thick, gooey, murkiness upon your already less than clean floor and cabinets; your rugs, hardwood floors, and furniture in nearly every room morphed into toilets for use by your tiny twins, the pungent smell of vinegar lingering in the humidity charged air in an effort to redeem the transgressions; your three-year-old sons bore the marks of numerous scratches and bites on various locations of their bodies which each had mercilessly inflicted upon the other: You will consider yourself a failure as a mother. You will feel the seeds of despair begin to take root in your heart and you will cry out as you begin to question your vocation. You will be tempted to yield to your apparent incompetence and wish to pack your things, slam the door, and run away. You will mentally scream, "I Quit." You will pray for more patience, wisdom, and love; "Lord have mercy" will become your mantra. You will emotionally distance yourself from your sons' trying behaviors and attempt to curb your anger, knowing that your sins most definitely can be passed down to your children. You will continually stop and reflect upon your choices and work to fix what is broken. You will purchase locks for the doors, cabinets, and refrigerator. You will investigate and plan to buy taller baby gates. You will neglect the treadmill and instead swaddle your youngest son to pacify his flailing arms and troubled spirit. You will rock him to sleep and lie by his side. You will drink more wine, eat more ice cream, and consider frozen pizza as a valid dinner option. You will flee to the Goodwill for an hour of tranquility and purchase yet another black dress and a table lamp for $2.38. You will check your email less and cancel play dates, opting to spend more time alone with your tinies, marveling in their LEGO towers and trains and ability to count to 25. In the end, you will know that you are losing more of your self and tearfully acknowledge that your self is only there to lose and that Grace will offer you the courage and strength to fulfill your God-ordained calling despite the chaos.
And when it has been a day of relative calm, a day in which only one cup of coffee was dumped onto the floor, one glass pushed and smashed, and all bodily fluids managed to fine their proper receptacle, you will breathe a sigh of relief and offer up a prayer of thanksgiving. You will eat popcorn heavily salted at mid-afternoon in order to celebrate; it will taste like ambrosia. You will glory in your hour of silence and consider it a triumph that your children are sleeping. You will experience a deep peace as you scrub down your kitchen cabinets and floor, your hands sudsy with Ivory Soap. You will drink yet another cup of coffee but this time it will be hot and you will not measure your cream. You will conjure up plans for a dinner alone with your husband for the following evening. You will be ever grateful for a supportive spouse and faithful friends and family who come alongside you and enable you to emerge victorious. You will truly appreciate the unique individuality of your children and delight in their smiles, relish in their kisses, and hold them a little longer, knowing that they are precious, precious gifts from God and of their kind is made the Kingdom of Heaven.
Prayer for Peace
Metropolitan Philaret of Moscow
O Lord, grant me to greet the coming day in peace.
Help me in all things to rely upon thy holy will.
In every hour of the day, reveal thy will to me.
Bless my dealings with all who surround me.
Teach me to treat all that comes to me throughout the day
with peace of soul and firm conviction that thy will governs all.
In all my deeds and words, guide my thoughts and feelings.
In unforeseen events, let me not forget that all are sent by thee.
Teach me to act firmly and wisely without embittering or embarrassing others.
Give me strength to bear the fatigue of the coming day
with all that it shall bring. Teach me to pray.
Pray thou thyself in me. Amen.
8 comments:
Have you begun to dream of urine? Because I have, and for that reason Del is back in diapers. I only have to people peeing in the house, and I feel a small amount of your frustration.
Frozen pizza is most definitely an option! If you add some cucumbers in a bowl, or a big bowl of fruit then your conscience can rest easy knowing they ate at least one fresh item. ... at least that's what I tell myself.
And the pictures at the park? Are just beautiful. You may feel like a failure at times, but the sweet joyous expressions of your kids tell us otherwise. Have you read the book "Chalk by Bill Tomson"? The dinosaur at your park is the dino on the cover of our book. We just got it at the library and the kids have enjoyed it immensely, yours might like it too.
So this was not a comment, more a letter. But keep hanging in there. Peace, Kris
Sorry, meant "TWO people peeing in the house". Argh to the typos.
I needed this today. As I type I have two children having tantrums. UGH...
hardest days, dear Beth, hardest days. I think I have blocked out my memories of our move cross country with 4 children under 5, leaving our child-proofed, one-level home and moving into a two-story, completely un-child-proofed townhouse.
Just writing that gives me the chills.
However, since I am on the other side of those particular days (not that life is a picnic, mind you, I just have children who can generally clean up their own messes), let me encourage you that all your work & love & rejoicing in those small successes pay dividends.
I feel like I have been in a relatively quiet moment of parenting - everyone in elementary school & generally enjoying each other and me.
I'm sure I'll be back, lamenting the horrors of hormones this year or next or the next five years... but since I've not hit that point quite yet, I'm feeling optimistic.
Keep celebrating small successes - all while remembering the big picture. Where would you be - or your children be - without each other?
Hugs,
Michelle
ps - frozen pizza is definitely an option! Hey, even cereal is an option on very bad days. On very, very bad days, I feed my children, put them to bed early & then eat ice cream for dinner by myself. Heaven.
Yay for all the good small things including a moment's peace!
Hang in there! they do not stay young forever - My Mom thought she would have us as young ones eternally but now we are all adults. The Mother of God will help you!
sending you love and a big hug! :)
Oh Beth, your words hit straight to my heart. So true, so true. Our selves are only there to lose...by God's grace we will do it to his glory.
What a day! Wish I could have been there with you to enjoy your "heavily salted popcorn." But probably 9 kids would have been a little much :-)
Thank you for your words, for sharing. God bless you as you hold onto Him in your calling.
Thank you for this reflection. While I have yet to experience the joys and frustrations that seem to come with motherhood, I am strengthened in my own day to day struggles as a wife and teacher by your words. Praying that God sends you His peace and strength! ~Juliana
P.S. I know we're still a bit far, but please let me know if there's ever anything we can help out with :)
:) Great post! Loved all the pictures. They are so precious. Wish I lived closer I would love that cup of coffee with unmeasured cream :)
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