Forgive me, a sinner

At the age of six, on my way home from a Wednesday night at church, family legend has it I looked at my mom and said, "Now about this original sin thing." Since that time, I have found there are many answers to this difficult question. Apparently whatever my mom told me that night made sense and I prayed for Jesus to save me from this curse. It is a prayer I've prayed many times since that day: "Lord, forgive me, a sinner." In a sense, "this original sin thing" is a mystery I've been pondering ever since. How exactly can I be held responsible for the actions of another? It's one thing to be held responsible for my own shortcomings, but it always seemed unfair to be held responsible for those belonging to someone else.

Early in the morning about a year ago, the day after Beth, Thomas and I received the unbelievably joyous news that it was time to travel and bring home the two newest members of our family, we received the unbelievably tragic news that my cousin Matt had been in a terrible car accident. Over the following weekend, as we prepared for our flight to Korea, we also made several trips to Peoria to be with my aunt and uncle and cousin in the hospital. Matt was unconscious during these visits, never to wake again.

As I was mourning, I was also able to observe the grief of Matt's close friends and family who had come to be by his side in these last moments of his waning life. Much of our grief was coming from what's popularly called survivor's guilt, endlessly running our individual "what ifs" through our minds. What if I had been a better role model? What if I had stopped him from going? What if I had not told him to hurry back? What if I had done something differently and averted this terrible situation?

In watching this grief, I found a part of the mystery of "original sin" laid bare. Here I sat, feeling guilty for what had happened when it would have been easy to pretend I held no responsibility at all. But the truth is, I have done things that in hindsight were clearly ill-advised. I have stood by as friends put themselves in dangerous situations. In making those choices, I took responsibility for their consequences. And here the consequences were, meted out on my beloved cousin Matt. When I looked at Matt, I saw what should have been me. I understood I deserved that fate; I had earned that fate. And it was only by that grace we too often refer to as luck I had thus far been saved from that fate. Lord, forgive me, a sinner.

Tonight the season of Lent begins in the Orthodox Church with a service we call Forgiveness Vespers. As part of this service every member of the congregation prostrates before every other member, asking for and granting forgiveness. For those of you who will not be with us tonight, please allow me this opportunity to ask your forgiveness. I'm sorry for every time I've been careless and irresponsible. I'm sorry for all the times I've been angry and rude and flippant and disrespectful. I know I'm often arrogant and self-centered, and what's worse is I usually don't even care to work on it. However, for the next 40 days, and the rest of my life, I promise to work on it. In the mean time, please forgive me, a sinner.